Currently Frankenchrist By Dead Kennedys soup is good food see related

yesterday, while walking at the downtown bus station, i ran into the boy who raped me.

my ears were full of punk rock when i looked up and there he was, looking at me, saying "hey kat..." as if he's going to talk to me, tugging the earphones out of his ears, wanting me to push back mine and acknowledge his presence. as much as i hate to admit it, i'm terrified of him. and i'm not afraid of much. so, instead of granting him what he wanted, i just said hey, and kept walking. he tried to talk more, but i said hey again as i passed him. i had two choices: i could make my voice sound as scared as i was or i could make it sound tough, so it sounded too tough and i just walked by. i could tell he turned around to watch me for a bit, but i just kept walking, trying not to shake. i wanted to kick him as soon as i saw him, but it's the downtown bus station, with security and witnesses and cops everywhere, so i just walked by and didn't grant him the acknowledgement he wanted apart from saying "hey" twice in my gristle voice.

grey sweater, blue jeans, and his ridiculous ponytail. i hadn't seen him since the first day of school. i didn't acknowledge him then either. i know he noticed me, but he was talking with people, so he probably thought nothing of it. and this time, this time took guts. and balls. ha. and i got on the bus, remembering that he's 21 now, which means he survived without drinking himself to death. damn.

it shook me up the whole time i was at work, so i went home and medicated and talked to ian for hours about nothing.

today, in my gender and law class, the issue of rape and how often "victims" know their attackers. and i felt like i was going to break down; as if i was a giant bottle of doctor pepper that had been shaken up. open me now and i'll spray my artificially-flavoured stickiness all over your house. but i'm calming down. and i think i did the right thing. i hope, i hope.

why is there never a time where i can sneak up on him? why is it always him sneaking up on me? our entire "relationship" (and i hate saying that because "relationship" makes people think boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, which it has NEVER been at all) has consisted of him sneaking up on me. i demand justice. i demand revenge.

gah.

live, love, breathe. nothing is permanent, yet all is not chaos. life is evolution-- your own personal revolution.